It’s official. I am a lost cause. There is no redemption from this obsession that has me incapacitated. It is all I can think of. Every waking thought is spent in curbing this itch of mine. The constant sparring between evil me and angelic me has left me spinning. My mind has been working overtime trying to come up with a loophole that will let me have my heart’s desire without hurting Mr. Conscience. I lay awake at night, reliving the sweet touch of those sensuous lips and lulling warmth of those seductive embraces. This illicit yearning has caused me many sleepless nights.
It was not a case of instant attraction at all. I was skeptical at first. All the rules that were drilled into me from childhood had made me very wary. I tried to stay away. I knew it was not for me. I knew it from start. Yet, something kept reeling me in. I fought against the attraction but to no avail. When the pull became irresistible, I broke down and had a taste. It was only meant to be an experiment. To confirm that the allure I felt is just an illusion and nothing more. But once I had the first taste, it was an explosion of emotion. All the repressed desires came toppling out. I was insatiable and kept going for more. My fickle mind came up with a million excuses to justify it. It rationalized this to be just an infatuation and that it will die down eventually. Encouraged, I threw caution to the wind, turned my back to the frowning society and basked in the affection I received. I was truly and irrevocably enamored. Unknowingly, I was being pulled deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole. Until it burned me.
So, here I am, willing my mind to stop conjuring up images and begging my heart to let go. I sense that I am fighting a losing battle. But for the sake of my sanity, I have to conquer this. I have to pull myself together and get my act together. I had a glaring epiphany the other night. That it’s just not an attraction anymore but an all consuming love, a love that will forever remain unrequited. With that realization came another one, that I have a bigger mountain to surmount now. All the bounds and chains that I have locked my heart in doesn’t seem to do it’s job. I am exhausted and I don’t know how much longer I can deflect it. Until then I turn to my mink fur coat to wrap me in it’s warmth and my rouge lipstick to pepper my lips with passion. Those are the only remains of the once torrid love affair I had with my credit card. My love is bound, broken and locked away in the strongest of vaults, far away from me. For our love is forbidden.
— Confessions of a compulsive Shopaholic in rehab 🙂