It’s official. I am a lost cause. There is no redemption from this obsession that has me incapacitated. It is all I can think of. Every waking thought is spent in curbing this itch of mine. The constant sparring between evil me and angelic me has left me spinning. My mind has been working overtime trying to come up with a loophole that will let me have my heart’s desire without hurting Mr. Conscience. I lay awake at night, reliving the sweet touch of those sensuous lips and lulling warmth of those seductive embraces. This illicit yearning has caused me many sleepless nights.
It was not a case of instant attraction at all. I was skeptical at first. All the rules that were drilled into me from childhood had made me very wary. I tried to stay away. I knew it was not for me. I knew it from start. Yet, something kept reeling me in. I fought against the attraction but to no avail. When the pull became irresistible, I broke down and had a taste. It was only meant to be an experiment. To confirm that the allure I felt is just an illusion and nothing more. But once I had the first taste, it was an explosion of emotion. All the repressed desires came toppling out. I was insatiable and kept going for more. My fickle mind came up with a million excuses to justify it. It rationalized this to be just an infatuation and that it will die down eventually. Encouraged, I threw caution to the wind, turned my back to the frowning society and basked in the affection I received. I was truly and irrevocably enamored. Unknowingly, I was being pulled deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole. Until it burned me.
So, here I am, willing my mind to stop conjuring up images and begging my heart to let go. I sense that I am fighting a losing battle. But for the sake of my sanity, I have to conquer this. I have to pull myself together and get my act together. I had a glaring epiphany the other night. That it’s just not an attraction anymore but an all consuming love, a love that will forever remain unrequited. With that realization came another one, that I have a bigger mountain to surmount now. All the bounds and chains that I have locked my heart in doesn’t seem to do it’s job. I am exhausted and I don’t know how much longer I can deflect it. Until then I turn to my mink fur coat to wrap me in it’s warmth and my rouge lipstick to pepper my lips with passion. Those are the only remains of the once torrid love affair I had with my credit card. My love is bound, broken and locked away in the strongest of vaults, far away from me. For our love is forbidden.
— Confessions of a compulsive Shopaholic in rehab 🙂
Authors Note: It is said that hardships and crisis exposes one’s true character. And it was brought forth in all its glory when Chennai came to a standstill due to the recent floods. The city proved that humanity is not yet dead and there is still hope in this world. During these difficult times, it is this hope that helps us to push forward and battle it out. City of Gods is a series of short stories inspired from true incidents that happened when calamity struck Chennai. Though the characters and story is entirely fictional, the essence of the story is very much true. It is the story of all those gods who live among us.
I was a bit apprehensive when I entered my doctor’s cabin. Lying on the examination table, my mind raced with a million possibilities that can go wrong. I am sure my heart stopped for a second when a frown crept up on my doctors’ forehead. As the doctor continued poking and prodding me in silence, my heart kick started and galloped like a horse in a race. Every fibre of my being ached for a baby. I have cried, begged, pleaded and prayed to all gods for a baby. After the last two miscarriages we had lost all hope of ever holding a baby in our arms. Apparently, my womb is very inhospitable and my babies are never comfortable there. By some miracle, if I do get pregnant, I could never manage to keep my baby alive until he is ready to come out. This was my third and the longest that I have gone. I had religiously visited the temple near our home every single day. Legend goes that if the temple deity is pleased with our offerings and prayers, she might just grant us a baby. I have dutifully performed all the prescribed pujas and offerings so it was not making any sense that the doctor is frowning right now.
Continue reading City of Gods.
The bell had gonged some time ago but the sheer physical exhaustion was dragging my eyes shut. I turn to my side in an attempt to fall back asleep and felt a warm caress on my cheeks, slowing rousing me from my sleep. With a smile, I opened my eyes to see a shaft of light coming through the single window, falling directly on my face. The sun was shyly peeking out of clouds, almost as if he felt guilty for waking me up. Every morning, I stand in front of the window, soaking in the sunlight that pools in through the window, enveloping me like my mom’s hug. I was fascinated by the world out there. As I stood there, I heard sound of cane hitting hard on my fellow roommates. I shook myself out of my daydream and rushed to get ready. We have to be at the factory at sharp 6 30am.
Continue reading The Window
As usual his eyes popped open even before the alarm blasted. He laid there waiting for the alarm to go off. A life without the boundaries and timelines he has set is inconceivable for him. As soon as the cacophony of alarm pierced the calm morning, he sat up, opening his eyes to his open palms held close to the face. As any other sight might topple his entire day, he slowly peeked around it to the Ganesh Idol placed on the nearby table. Be it the position of the bed he sleeps in or the painstakingly arranged furniture, everything in his house has a place, a place carefully aligned to please who ever handles the strings of his life. Continue reading Its in my blood!!!!